Idiots Guide to Mombasa Funtimes

Not that am calling you an idiot just that we have to take care of everyone including the bottom of the food chain e.t.c.

Now up till December of 2010 I was one of the few kenyans (all 3 of us) who had not gone down to Mombasa for any holiday of any sort. Yes I am that behind the times and freakin proud of it. It always afforded me the snobbish right to say I aint like common folk who do cliche' things like go to coast for Dec holidays. So much for that. This post is for those who have never been there yet and want to avoid cliche' things simply because they are lame.

First off a few myths that were resident in my brain need to be dispelled.

  • Its not that hot. Granted if you are indoors without a fan you are screwed but outside its just like Nairobi sun.
  • Its not Miami people dress normally down there you wont see chicks in bikinis in the streets or guys in those flower patterned shirts and beach shorts and shades.
  • Predominant language is barely swahili. In my stay there there were more guys korogain kyuk than anything else. Wasapere have spread everywhere. . .we are like some endemic parasite.
  • Mombasa is dirty any way you look at it, you would think with all that water around the joint would be clean.
  • It rarely rains. Even my ocha trumps it.
Now in order to be cliche' free you need to observe some guidelines namely:

  • Dress kawaida yaani unless you are going to the beach avoid beach shorts, fancy sandals and vests or funny tropical shirts. you stink of being from bara from a mile away.
  • Don't try talk with a swahili accent. the locals will pick up the pathetic attempt and you will still buy the the kanga at a ridiculously inflated price.
  • If its your first time, grab a local friend and let him be your guide. it will be cheaper and you will get to see/experience more stuff that way.
  • Do not And I repeat DO NOT entrust your date to a beach boy to show her how to swim. You might as well hand her over to a rapist.
  • Avoid fishy people with all sorts of great advice. If you have a plan stick to it. . .Being random is not so smart. .  
  • Have a properly lined wallet/purse. Fun is not for free.
Needless to say I had a blast and I can see myself owning beach front property in my future. I also saw how lobsters are cooked. My goshness those cooks are the meanest most evil people I have ever seen. They simply dropped the live lobsters into boiling water with the pincers flailing about. Like they dint kill them first ivo tu chubwii. . . I am now a firm believer of Re-incarnation because I cannot see any other plausible reason for the existence of people like Idi Amin, Pol Pot,Nero e.t.c they must ave been lobsters in their previous life.

Anyhoo that was nice trip will be gong back soon.