Najitolea daima Kenya,
Hakika ya bendera
Ni uthabiti wangu
Nyeusi ya wananchi na nyekundu ni ya damu
Kijani ni ya ardhi, nyeupe ya amani
Daima mimi mkenya
Daima- Eric Wainaina
Have you ever wondered what makes Kenyans Kenyan? Apart from the national I.D that took months and agony to get, what defines and aptly describes the Kenyan culture? Well, this question has been buzzing in my head ever since a friend of mine asked me “Whats new in Kenya?” She’s currently in the U.K and I guess she wanted to know how things back home are… “Same old, same old” was my reply. And then I did what I do best, I assembled a team of the shadiest,most crooked characters I could find. Yes, as always I put together a bunch of Kenyan lawyers to do a survey of what it takes to wear the 100% pure Kenyan badge!
Government printers will soon be publishing my findings. They are ground breaking and I have received word from the government spokesman himself that I will be honored with a presidential award this year! The findings for now, can be found in www.mkenyahalisi.gov.ke In keeping with tradition, I hereby give you excerpts into this fascinating and rather twisted world that makes a Kenyan… A KENYAN!
To be Kenyan means that you ask the government for help when anything goes wrong and in Kenya, everything does go WRONG! I am reminded of some fellow from western Kenya who after a quarrel with his wife, decided to do the un-imaginable! As punishment to his wife, he cut off his own penis and then proceeded to bury the chopped off member in a shallow grave! When the pain and bleeding became too much for him bear, he cried for help and neighbors rushed him to the nearest hospital. The plot then thickens… when the poor chap was asked how he was going to pay for his medical bills, he response astounded me. It is here that I confirmed that he had not chopped off his balls. How else do you explain the following answer… “Ningependa kuomba Rais wetu,na waziri mkuu wanisaidie kwa sababu sina uwezo wowote! Naomba serikali wanilipie hii bill!” Lets face it, this chap has balls of steel!
Why is it that we are forever asking the government for help even in non government matters? Well, studies have found that it is innately Kenyan to do this and if you don’t ask the government for fertilizer to increase your marijuana crop, then you need to check yourself!
To be Kenyan is to live on Chinese products! From our clothing, to pens and even food. There is nothing Kenyan about being a Kenyan. From what we wear, to what we eat. If it doesn’t say made in China, then it aint Kenyan. If it comes with a sticker declaring itself “proudly Kenyan” then we somehow doubt its authenticity! Go figure! Rumor has it that when the Chinese are done with Thika Road, they intend to slap on a badge that says “Made in China”!
My survey found that to be Kenyan is to specialize in phrases that make absolutely no sense and yet, we understand them! If you doubt, then please explain how “OTHERWISE” is a generally accepted greeting!
Whatever song is top of the charts, Kenyans somehow twist it and force it into day to day conversation! Think of a dude explaining how he worked for a company for FIVE YEARS. He will go on and declare… ” I worked for them KIASI. They then posted me FffffffffffffAR!” KIASI means shortly or just a little bit. How then does FIVE YEARS become Kiasi? And when will we ever learn to use words like VERY FAR! That whole FFFFFFFFFFFFAR thing has gone on fot far too long!
Still on phrases that do not make sense…and this I blame our own Tinga. Why do we converse in installments?
ME: I am going to town KIA…
ME: When I get there I’ll Samba…
To be Kenyan, is to use phrases like “by the way” as a bridge to conversations! To be Kenyan is lose it all in translation and make sense out of it!
George Bush Clarifications!
It really is Kenyan to explain stuff in a way perfected by the good George Double-YA! Kenyans somehow decide to explain in detail the most mundane and obvious stuff and when it comes to complex issues, they will just brush it aside and leave you wondering what they are on about! You know you are Kenyan if you don’t mind inexplicably explaining a 90 minute soccer game for 180 minutes! And oh yes…the explanation will be filled with…”by the way” “otherwise” and of course, the game was deadly “Kiasi”! The same characters will then issue a statement like “The profit retention policy will lead to an increased EPS in future to shareholders”. And of course the layman will be left rather bamboozled and in need of an explanation that will probably never come!
The Kenyan Experience
A true Kenyan believes the tastiest food is not in fancy restaurants. Every Kenyan worth his salt knows a roadside kiosk, where he is known by name and the kiosk itself would never pass any test by ministry of health officials! The kiosk itself is a shanty and what keeps rats at bay is the well fed cat that roams the place. The kiosk itself normally has a fancy nickname… Serena B, Hilton Ndogo…Laico Orijino! And by Laico Orijino, some guy will swear! In God we really trust! Nothing is more Kenyan than eating obviously suspect mutura by some roadside! I be;lieve I have so far consumed at least 2 dogs in the form of mutura,samosa and funny tasting Nyama Choma!
Innocent By-Standers and Selective Amnesia
It is ultimately Kenyan to watch someone get mugged in broad daylight and then rush to the scene and ask… “WHAT HAPPENED!” It is even more Kenyan to call up someone who is from a funeral and ask… “How was it?” Exactly how do you expect a funeral to be? Apart from the four day feasting frenzy, how exactly do you want to know how a funeral was? As for the “What happened” group, they will surround you, and say sorry and then update their facebook status to say “Just saw some fool get mugged…Kwani he doesn’t hiyo kona ni mbaya?”
To be Kenyan is to easily forfive politicians for plunder and weird utterances! How else do you explain that people are supportive of a cabinet minister who says he is against hate speech and says all those found to be giving hate speech should be arrested, when the very same character back when he was a KANU hawk and an all powerful demi-god declared that certain people should lie low like an envelope! Selective amnesia!
Kenyans are by nature HATERS! Seriously speaking… I am car less, but I will go on and on and say how a “Vitz is not a car”! Kenyans are such haters that we are in a “come-we-stay” relationship for the last few years and yet, we will hate on a wedding!
In this category also falls those shoddy characters who always seem to “know someone”. You know that guy who would rather do something the wrong way and pay KES 1,000 rather than do it the right way and pay KES 900. only Kenyans!
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